The Ricky Gervais Guide to Natural History
Table of contents
- 0m 16s - Intro
- 1m 16s - A chat about nature.
- 7m 08s - The car of the future / shitting while driving
- 9m 25s - Computer chips invented by aliens
0m 16s - Intro
Ricky
Hello, I'm Ricky Gervais.
The English Biologist Thomas Huxley once wrote: to a person uninstructed in Natural History, his country or seaside stroll is a walk through a gallery filled with wonderful works of art, nine tenths of which have their faces turned to the wall. Teach him something of Natural History and you place in his hands a catalogue of those which are worth turning around.
To some, the wonders and intricacies of the natural world are a miracle; living proof of the existence of God. To others the natural world is a wondrous illustration of Darwinian evolution.
To discuss the complexities of plant and animal life, I am joined by Stephen Merchant; graduate of the university of Warwick and award winning writer.
Stephen
Thank you so much for having me.
Ricky
And Karl Pilkington; a man with no qualifications, very little education, but who is now known the world over as a man with a head like a fucking orange!
Karl
Alright.
1m 16s - A chat about nature.
Ricky
Natural History obviously takes in everything to do with animals, plants ... bacteria; which are in neither group. Um, I should start by just saying, Karl, that the natural world is so diverse that we don't even know how many species there are. Conservatively there's two million species of animals. I mean, without even taking in plant life there are at least two million species of animal. With plants and animals there could be up to ten million species. Um, there are thirty seven thousand different species of spider alone. What do you think of that?
Karl
Er... it's a lot.
Ricky
It is, isn't it?
Karl
But if there's loads of stuff out there that we don't know about, and we don't know what it's doing, is it that important? Is it worth finding them now?
Ricky
Well yeah.
Karl
Why?
Ricky
Well it may give us the key to unlock other mysteries.
Karl
A spider won't.
Ricky
Well it might do.
Karl
A spider won't be unlocking any mysteries.
Ricky
Well that's...
Karl
Plants are different. I reckon there's a natural cure for everything out there.
Ricky
No no, cos there's loads of animals that have toxins that are used in medicine.
Karl
Yeah, I know that we use dangerous spiders to get rid of headaches, or whatever. Or they do in the tribes. Right?
Stephen
Do you want to expand on that point?
Karl
Um, it's just there, that's what they do in tribes.
Stephen
Who's they?
Karl
They've got all natural... all these tribes. They've got all natural remedies. *cut* They, ya know, they go "What... what's up with you? Got a sore ankle? Chew on this twig". And it works. I've seen it. They've sent women out there and like they couldn't believe the stuff they can do with twigs and trees and hedgehogs and stuff.
Ricky
Hmmm.
Karl
I would say...
Ricky
it wasn't an in-depth analysis, was it?
Stephen
No.
Karl
What I'm say-...
Stephen
Women. They just sent "some women" out there.
Ricky
Yeah. *laughs* Yeah.
Stephen
Apparently.
Karl
I reckon the... the stuff that's got venom in it that's useful...
Ricky
Hmmm.
Karl
...we probably know about all them. Because...
Ricky
What do you mean? It doesn't make any sense. "We probably know about all of them"?
Karl
Right, what I mean is: the police know about the gangsters, but they go "Right, we're aware of them. Let them get on with it. We'll keep our eye on them." And it's the same in the jungle. There's spiders - the deadly ones you're aware of. The ones that are just pottering about you go, "Don't even worry about them. Don't even give them a name; they're not doing anything."
Ricky
*laughs*
Stephen
But what if there's another poisonous spider they haven't identified yet dow-... lurking in the undergrowth?
Karl
I'd be very surprised.
Stephen
So you'd be very surprised?
Karl
I'd be surprised there was something...
Stephen
It sounds likes laziness on your part.
Karl
No, it's not.
Ricky
But they're discovering new species all the time.
*cut*
Karl
We know about all the dangerous stuff now, cos we have to; we're living in a world now.
Ricky
No we don't.
Karl
We do. We know about a lot of the dangerous stuff. Whenever they find something new now it's like a new butterfly or...
Ricky
Well look. Well no, well look at AIDS. When I was a kid I'd ... no one had ever heard of AIDS.
Karl
Yeah but that's not a natural thing, is it? That's not like a spider or a ...like, ladybird.
Ricky
What do you mean it's not a natural thing?
Karl
It's not a d-... it's not a natural thing. It's not something that's... AIDS hasn't been, like, living under the soil for millions of years going "I'll wait 'til the 1980s and I'll come out and kill a load of people!"
Ricky
No, but it is a natural thing!
Karl
It's a new thing!
Ricky
Yeah!
Karl
It's new!
Ricky
Yeah, but loads of animals are new, aren't they? Not in, not... I mean i-... er, er ... evolutionary terms. There's new animals in evolution.
Karl
I'm sure... I'm sure there's new stuff deep down that's just like, almost like bacteria, sat under the soil. It'll never come to the top. Right?
Ricky
*sniggers*
Karl
It's like having ... having an old woman who's a neighbour. She never goes out, she doesn't bother you. Let her be.
Ricky
*laughs* What are you talking about?
Stephen
But... but what if that old neighbour could unlock the secrets to...
Karl
I don't think she can.
Stephen
... just even to us understanding the complexities of the universe, of the way things have developed and grown.
Karl
Cos we'd know about it.
Stephen
Well why would we know about it? Because I never understand: why is it you want to stop researching and studying now? Why is it that you're happy to ... to just draw a line under everything else? What if people had said this back in the nineteenth century?
Ricky
We've done this! We've done this! I think it's someone in the nineteen hundreds, we d- ... said "everything that's gonna be invented has been invented", and then look what happened in that century.
Karl
Yeah, and I've said to you, look at the stuff that is being invented now: the Frisbee and stuff like that.
Ricky
*laughs* It's not...!
Karl
It's all ... it's all ... it's all stuff that like...
Ricky
Right!
Karl
... you kinda go: it's alright, it's a good idea, but we don't need it.
Stephen
Yeah but the Frisbee wasn't being worked on by the top brains of our generation. That was some novelty toy that some manufacturer made!
Karl
Yeah, but it's like - look like the fuss we made over that fella who came up with the Dyson vac. Everyone was like, "He's up there with Einstein". Well he's not. It's a good vac; it cleans up floors well and everything but...
Ricky
Who said he's up there with Einstein?!
Karl
In one of...
Stephen
His PR people did.
Karl
In one of those programmes where they did like 'Great Inventions of Our Time'. It was easy early on: you go Einstein, you know Newton did this, Archimedes ... Dyson! And that's...
Ricky
*cackles*
Karl
They started to run out. Because it is harder to come up with something new now. Because everything that's needed... Remember the things we've invented are things that we sort of go, "we could do with that". Inventors don't sit there going, "what can I make? Um err, need a toaster". They've sat there, they've burnt the toast under the grill and they've gone, "I need some sort of device here that I can pop bread in...".
Ricky
Yeah yeah yeah...
Karl
"... and what can it do? Oh I'll shape it like that..."
Ricky
Necessity is the mother of invention.
Karl
Yeah.
Ricky
However there are...er... er... people who sit around going, "wh- where's a, you know, loophole in the market? Where's a little ... where's a niche?"
Karl
Well he's something...
Ricky
What?
Karl
About a year ago I came up with a see-through toaster, so that you can see how much the toast is cooked.
Ricky
Right.
Karl
I found it 'bout two months after that. Someone had done it.
Ricky
Right.
Karl
So I'd just been beaten to the post.
Stephen
Yeah, but all you're really doing, Karl is...
Ricky
That's a...
Stephen
...modifying an existing invention.
Ricky
What ... er... where ... er ... what other examples of being pipped to the post are there?
Karl
Like the ...er ...
Ricky
Got to be one that hasn't been done, or it's not your theory.
Stephen
But also something that unlocks a mystery.
Ricky
Or helps the world.
Karl
What's causing problems in the world at the moment that needs sorting?
Ricky
Well, cures for things, er, faster transport, er, d-d- anything to do with *cut* security, anything to do with wellbeing. Ya know.
Stephen
I mean, obviously environmental concerns are a big issue. People trying to design automobiles...
Ricky
Fuel, yeah.
Stephen
...that can run on different alternative fuels.
7m 08s - The car of the future / shitting while driving
Ricky
I met a bloke on a conference once who sent a drawing to Blue Peter. It was their 'design a car of the future', and he sent them a drawing that was a car and the only innovation was that you could have a shit while driving. And then i- he put... he put "shit goes down pipe which becomes fuel". They must have looked at that and gone, "what a maniac".
Stephen
I think that's a brilliant...I mean I've driven long way. I drove to Cornwall recently and I would have loved for that to have been built into the...
Ricky
But I think he did it when he was about nine, and he must have thought, "Ah, I'm being driven to school, ah and I need the toilet. Wouldn't it be good if...?"
Karl
But why hasn't ... why hasn't that been done?
Ricky
What???
Karl
Well like Steve says; I've been in the same situation when you're driving, and you go "oh where's the service station". You see a sign saying 36 miles...
Ricky
So what would, so you...
Karl
You're in agony.
Ricky
So you suggest - pull your trousers down and shit down in the seat that's a toilet?
Karl
What's wrong with that?
Ricky
Well you've got your nan in your back...
Karl
She's got one as well...
Ricky
So you are all going to Cornwall all shitting?
Stephen
*laughs*
Karl
Well not all the time, but it's... it's more useful to me than a lighter!
Stephen
So also what ...
Ricky
Where do you wash your hands?
Stephen
...at what point do you wash your hands or wipe your arse. At what point does that occur?
Karl
At the end of the journey.
Ricky
*laugh* Oh God! So you get in, you have a shit at Deptford and you wipe your arse at Polperro?
Karl
Yeah but like I've said to you, this isn't like just people going...
"Ah I think I'll have one."
"Do you need one?"
"Not really, but it's something to do isn't it? I'm sick of playing I Spy, I'm having a shit."
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
You have it when you really need one. When you have to pull off a motorway, it's a lot of messing about. *cut* There's probably going to be queue at the toilet. No more queues at toilets.
Stephen
Ten minutes, Rick, that takes, doesn't it?
Ricky
I know, yeah.
Stephen
Ten minutes to pull off and have a quick shit.
Karl
Ten minutes. Driving along, it's just going on. It's just going on. Don't even know about it. Radio's on, everyone's happy. Doesn't matter. I don't know ... I mean we all do it as well, that's the thing.
Ricky
Anything else, you'd er come up with? I mean so far you've come up with nothing. That was a 9-year old boy's idea.
Karl
I mean the Breville maker wasn't needed.
Ricky
*laughs* That's true!
Stephen
What's a Breville maker?
Karl
It's like toasted sandwiches.
Ricky
*laughs*
Karl
But there's like so many things. Chocolate fountains. Anything like that. I just go, what are these? Who's invented these? Who's OK'd this idea? And yet I can't have a shit on the motorway?
9m 25s - Computer chips invented by aliens
Ricky
*explodes with laughter* *cut* Think of computers.
Karl
What about them?
Ricky
Well, I mean ... that's in the last few years, you know? In .... er ... a hundred years in our existence, OK?, they've been dabbling with anything that's even close to a computer. Nothing before that.
Karl
Yeah, computers are a good thing, and it baffles me as to how they came about. When you think a computer chip is just made out of sand. Now for someone to come up with that, you go - there must be some kind of alien involved here.
Ricky
What do you mean? Why do you s- think that?
Stephen
*laugh* I love it.
Ricky
So I love it. So the Frisbee: rubbish. Anything too clever: well it wasn't an invention, it was an alien. So there's nothing between Frisbee and computer chip?
Karl
What I'm saying is, it's not even an idea is it?
Ricky
What do you mean?
Karl
A computer chip; where's that come from?
Ricky
It's amazing, it's astounding, yeah.
Stephen
Well that i-...So you think it was an alien?
Ricky
*laughs*
Stephen
What are you talking about?
Ricky
It's great!
Karl
Because I can't believe that someone would go,
"Right, I want to make something that will hold information and be able to d-... I know, let's use some sand, we've got loads of that." You'd go,
"What are you... what are you...? Don't d- d-."
Ricky
But that's what genius is though, isn't it?
Stephen
But Karl, there's no alien involved.
Karl
No, but when I say alien, I don't mean an alien came down here and said, you know, "oh, do you want to buy this?" There could have been...
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
...er... a spaceship ...er ...crash. Right? And, there's all them rumours aren't there, in that hanger? They've got the spaceship, they take it apart, they go,
"Yeah, wheels, we've got them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, steering wheel, yeah." And then they go,
"Hang on, what's this 'ere?" and they find the chips, and they break it down and they find it's sand.
Ricky
Karl, but that as an explanation to human genius is nearly as ridiculous as the Adam and Eve explaining life on Earth. How could you tell that to someone without going red? I mean I always worry about that - where people, like people who believe in Adam and Eve. Don't they wish there was a slightly better explanation? With all the evidence we've got.
Karl
But, but. But hang on.
Ricky
You know what I mean? With all the evidence for evolution, that they think the Earth is five thousand years old, and God made Adam out of some dust, and then he went,
"Oh, I need a bird. It's alright, I'll make it out of your rib."
Karl
Yeah, but there's loads of things that you go "oh this is a bit embarrassing". I bet Charles Darwin when he said we've all come from apes, I bet he sat at home going, "tut, *sigh*, should I tell them about the Frisbee first?"
Ricky
But the fact that sand makes computer chips is not the interesting thing. The interesting thing is that the human being discovering that ... what am I talking about "sand makes computer chips"? ...that silicon can have information put on it. But we're made out of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon...
Karl
Yeah.
Ricky
Do you know what I mean? And hydrogen. It... that...
Karl
Yeah, but that's nature.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
You see nature is amazing. You can't beat nature, right?
Ricky
No.
Karl
It comes up with some amazing things.
Ricky
Yeah but man is nature. Don't forget that we are ... we're an animal. We're a brilliant ape. *cut* Now it's ... it's clear to any sensible, reasonable, educated person that we did evolve from apes, or rather we had a common ancestry, and that we're closest to the chimpanzee. We're actually 98.6% genetically identical to a chimpanzee, Karl. We're closer to a chimp than a chimp is to a gorilla, genetically speaking.
Karl
But I just find that hard to believe, when you look at...
Ricky
Well I'm telling you it's true.
Karl
No I know...
Ricky
So what are you finding hard to believe?
Karl
Well your eyes, your own eyes are what ... what ... sort of comes up with a lot of ...er ...thoughts.
Ricky
No, no no, one's eyes don't come up with thoughts.
Karl
No but what I'm saying it through your own eyes you judge.
Ricky
2, it... what you mean is, you ... you look at things and make up your own decisions.
Karl
So if there was no Darwin or anything, and I was sat somewhere and someone said,
"Right, we're going to bring a few animals in. One of them's related."
Ricky
Right.
Karl
Er.
Ricky
They're all related.
Karl
Alright, but ... but, "...they're all related to you, but one's not so long ago." Right? And they brought them in, and they lined them up. And there was a chimp stood there, and a gorilla, and er ... what's another one?
Ricky
Orang-utan?
Karl
An orang-utan. Right yeah. Right, I'd go "the orang-utan, send that out." Gotta be first to go, say "he's definitely not linked to me." Er...
Stephen
See I'd disagree, but there we are. That's just looking at you.
Karl
The hair colouring; there none of that in our family.
Stephen
There's no hair.
Ricky
*laughs* I like the fact that it loses out 'cos it's ginger!
Karl
So that's gone. So I'm left with a gorilla and a chimp.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
I would go for the gorilla, cos of its hugeness.
Ricky
Well, it's a good guess but you'd be wrong. Um, so we are much closer to the chimpanzee, ok? 98.6% genetically identical. Think of that. We only differ on 1.4% of our genetic makeup.
Karl
Well that ... that ... that ... that must be the arse.
Ricky
*Explodes with barely-breathing laughter*
Stephen
*Chuckles*
Karl
'cos that's a lot different.
Ricky
Animal rights is a hot topic.
Stephen
It's a big issue.
Ricky
What rights should they have? How do they compare to humans? You know, er... it's a well known fact that we test on animals, um, with the assumption that humans are more important. We test drugs on animals and er we're basically saying if they die they die, we'll learn something from them. People do make distinctions between animals. Right, th- they know that it's probably more acceptable to kill an ant ... er than ... er
Stephen
Punch a cow.
Ricky
Yeah exactly. You know, we... I think ... that comes again from how close are they to humans? Have they got a face?
Karl
But that's the...
Ricky
Are they furry?
Karl
I told you didn't I, about me dad's mate who had a monkey and he had to thump it?
Ricky
What? *cut* One... there are two things there. One, why did he have a monkey? Two, what sort of discipline is thumping a monkey? What was the monkey doing?
Karl
It kept ... it was annoying his wife a lot, and sort of, you know, pinching her arse and stuff like that.
Stephen
Right, right, wait a minute.
Ricky
Right now that's not true, it's not true.
Stephen
We've never heard this before. How have we had all these years of Monkey News and we've never heard this before?
Karl
No, I'm sure I told you about it ages ago.
Stephen
Your dad had a mate who had a monkey?
Karl
Yeah, I'm sure I told you.
Ricky
That ... why did he have a monkey? Just for a laugh?
Karl
Well it was back in the day when y-... people did.
Stephen
*laughs*
Karl
They all had like odd ... in ...sort of ... pets, didn't they?
Ricky
When?
Karl
In like, 'bout '68.
Ricky
Oh in 1968.
Stephen
Oh in 1968.
Ricky
... oh, when everybody had a monkey.
*cut*
Karl
Well he had to thump it. Now the weird thing is...
Ricky
No, that's weird enough.
Stephen
Is this the ... this is all the story? This is the entire story you've got ... all the information you've got is that he had a monkey and he had to thump it?
Karl
Yeah, my dad told me about it. When he found out that I was into monkey, he said, "oh, Benny thumped one".
Ricky
*laughs* Benny thumped one!
"Oh, my son's into natural history, particularly the simian variety. I've got an interesting fact for you, Karl. Sit down."
"What is it, Pater?"
"Um, Benny thumped one." Brilliant.
Karl
But but but what was interesting is the way that, *possible cut* people are thumping other people all the time - no one bats an eyelid - thump a monkey, people go, "you thumped a monkey?"
Ricky
*Massive laugh" Yes, yes they do! They do go, "you thumped a monkey?"
Karl
So that's what's weird, isn't it?
*cut*
Ricky
Well this chimp doesn't want to be caged and kept in a fucking council house in Manchester.
Karl
No it was quite happy, and if it wanted to live like a human...
Ricky
It wasn't happy!
Karl
I mean in the seventies, you know, there were all the teabag adverts and all that, and they were loving that.
Ricky
No they weren't loving it.
Karl
But people interfere. People go, "oh that's unfair".
Ricky
They-
Karl
Now they're like in a cage in a zoo.
Ricky
They-
Karl
They're going, "it was better when I was pushing a piano up a stairs."
Ricky
They weren't really ... they weren't really...
Stephen
They weren't actual delivery men!
Ricky
They weren't really sitting down and having a cup of tea.
Karl
Well.
Stephen
It wasn't a documentary...
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
"A Week in the Life of the Monkey Delivery Men".
Ricky
I love that: chimps in a zoo now going, "fucking hell, we ... at least we were f'... at least we were free."
Stephen
"Remember when we used to drive a van for a living?"
Ricky
"And we were on ... and we were on fifty eight quid a week."
Stephen
Yeah.
Ricky
They're not meant to be kept in a house in Manchester. It's cruel to keep a person in a house in Manchester, so it's fucking cruel to keep a monkey.
Stephen
Are you aware, Karl, that 99% of all forms of life that have existed on Earth are now extinct?
*cut*
Karl
So there's only 1% of everything that's ever been still alive?
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
But that's just as well, isn't it?
Ricky
Why?
Karl
Well I think it's pretty crowded now...
Ricky
*Sniggers*
Karl
...so it's just as well. You see this is ... this is what I'm saying now: years ago they accepted that. Cavemen wouldn't have been going, "Oh, we're losing stuff! Stuff's dying!"
*Stephen laughs*
Karl
Whereas now everyone's, "Oh, the panda! Polar bear's not got any ice!" and all that. At the end of the day, the world's only so big, we know it's not getting any bigger. Right? Stuff's gotta die, innit? You can't keep everything.
Ricky
Just think of that though, as a tool of natural selection, that the species that are surviving today are 1%. Just how amazing that is, to survive and evolve. How perfect everything is on Earth; it's amazing.
Karl
No, but but, it'll drop off again, won't it? As we're finding new stuff, other stuff will be dying.
Ricky
Well things that happen...
Karl
In that 1%, when that was written, when that statement was made, was the dodo gone or was it still here?
Ricky
It was, it was gone.
Stephen
I'm pretty certain it was gone.
Karl
It was gone already?
Ricky
It doesn't matter though, does it? A percentage is a percentage.
Karl
Yeah. The dodo went.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
The last dodo died.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
They said that was the last dodo.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
No more dodos.
*Ricky chuckles*
Karl
But we've found ... this...
Ricky
Dido; still making great tunes.
Stephen
Great albums, great albums. Although her re...
Ricky
We lost the Dodo but we've got Dido.
Stephen
Her recent album's not sold very well actually ...
Ricky
I've heard it's *something*.
Karl
Dying out, dying out. Everything has a lifespan. Um...
Stephen
Dido's dying out.
Karl
But er ... and I think that's ... that's life. So it's not amazing really...
Stephen
That's not on either any more.
Ricky
No, That's Life's gone. That was good.
Karl
What has?
Stephen
Esther Rantzen forced to just hang out in the jungle now.
Ricky
Yeah.
Stephen
It's a shame.
*cut*
Karl
When I went to Natur... Natural History museum, there was a thing called a s...cytherea, or something. Right? Died out ages ago. No one knows about it, which is weird 'cos everyone knows about the Dodo.
Ricky
Well that's because it died out ... er ... in I think the... was ... it the eighteenth century, wasn't it?
Stephen
Well, you know, within what might, what might term recent history.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
Yeah, well this ... this thing's ... I don't think it was far behind it. It's just timing, innit? That got more press, the dodo. The cytherea, or whatever it's called, it was a big thing. It was a cross...
Stephen
Well you've ... you've seen it and you still don't know what it was called.
Karl
Well it's, it's a... *cut*... It's spelled awkwardly. But it's ... er ... they said it was a cross between a moose and a giraffe.
Ricky
*Laughs*
Karl
Now we don't need that, do we? At no point have we said, "do you know what we need here to get us through this?"
Ricky
Well that's funny because when um they first named the giraffe they called it the *cut* camelopard, cos they thought it was a cross between a camel and a leopard.
Karl
Really?
Ricky
Yeah.
Stephen
Well I can tell you that when zoologists examined a platypus for the first time, some of them thought it might have been a hoax, because they thought it could have been different parts of different animals sewn together. Cos the platypus has the fur of an otter, the tail of a beaver, the bill and feet of a duck and the venomous spurs of a fighting gamecock. So they assumed that er it had just been...
Karl
It was like a Scrapheap Challenge of animals.
Ricky
*Laughs* Yeah! I remember, right...
Stephen
But then actually...
Ricky
Sorry, go on...
Stephen
Just saying that, just to clarify that, it actually is descended from a link between reptiles and mammals almost a hundred and fifty million years ago. A sort of living fossil.
*cut*
Ricky
When I was about thirteen / fourteen I once tried to improve the animal kingdom by making the hardest animal ever; the most perfect animal.
Stephen
Now just to clarify: you didn't in sort of Frankenstein-style...
Ricky
No.
Stephen
...try and bolt various bits of animals together?
Ricky
It ... it was a drawing that I sent to Blue Peter. There was no competition going on.
Stephen
You just thought they would be appreciative of it?
Ricky
I thought they'd ... they'd look at that and they'd go, "well this is ... he's a genius. This is like Da Vinci."
Stephen
Sure.
Ricky
And this is the animal. This is what I thought the perfect animal. I mean, when I say perfect, I meant the hardest animal.
Stephen
Right.
Ricky
This animal, it could take anything. It was just the strongest, hardest, fastest. Right.
Stephen
Yeah.
Ricky
So, I started with the head of a lion.
Stephen
'course, that makes perfect sense.
Ricky
Do you know what I mean? Rawr, it looks good. Rawr, bite you, right? OK, I popped that on the body of a rhinoceros.
Stephen
OK, so it's got the toughness; the armour if you like.
Ricky
Oh it's full strength. Head of a lion. Think of that - so you've got this picture: head of a lion, body of a rhino.
Stephen
Perfect.
Ricky
OK. Hold on though. Pop some arms on it. The front arms were the arms of a gorilla.
Stephen
The arms of a gorilla? OK.
Ricky
So... punch, grip, it could make stuff. The lion .. I mean, that's where the lion falls down cos it can't make stuff.
Stephen
Sure. *chuckles*
Ricky
It can't climb, you know. So, OK then, wait a minute, you think that's got enough weaponry?
Stephen
Sounds like it.
Ricky
No. Pop on the tail of a giant scorpion.
Stephen
*laughs* A giant scorpion?
Ricky
Yeah, yeah.
Stephen
So, a ... a scorpion that's the size of a rhinoceros.
Ricky
Exactly. So the tail was long as that rhi-... So now this is a scary animal. And this is where the animal fell down: er I thought, right legs - well the fastest animal is the cheetah.
Stephen
The cheetah.
Ricky
Popped on four cheetah legs.
Stephen
Four cheetah legs.
Ricky
It would have collapsed.
Stephen
Crushed under the weight of the rhinoceros.
Ricky
It would have collapsed immediately. So er...
Stephen
Yeah. And you drew this, did you?
Ricky
Drew it, yeah.
Stephen
Did you show it to anyone other than...?
Ricky
Yeah, my mates went "that's brilliant".
Stephen
Right.
Ricky
They said, "that's brilliant."
Stephen
*Laughs* And er then just sent straight to Blue Peter.
Ricky
Yeah.
Stephen
Any reply?
Ricky
No reply at all.
Stephen
Really?
Ricky
No reply at all.
Stephen
Surprised.
Ricky
What do you think of that, Karl? What would you ... how would you ... what would ... if you had to make the ultimate fighting animal, what would you come up with? If you had the power, like that fella in Arabian Nights - "size of a chimpanzee!" - you could change into anything. But you could change into, you know, like that...
Karl
I don't think I'd go for strength and that. I'd go for survival.
Stephen
Ah.
Ricky
What would you do? Cockroach?
Karl
No I'd have er ... I'd have like er ... an armadillo's body.
Ricky
Right. OK. See that's ... that's as big as you can big now then. So you can't really pop on a lion's head, cos it'll just lay there going, "I can't fucking move".
Karl
Alright. I'd have er ... head of an owl?
Ricky
Right!
Stephen
The head of an owl?
Ricky
Yeah, why why, come on. Why, what does that bring to the table?
*cut*
Karl
The head's there to sort of make it look friendly to the human race.
Ricky
OK.
Karl
Cos if you look half-decent to the human race, they'll ... they'll look after you.
Stephen
Right.
Ricky
Hmmm.
Karl
That's the way it work, innit? With the cat and the dog and all that.
Ricky
Hmmm.
Karl
So the owl makes it look nice.
Ricky
Right.
Karl
I'd have ... er ...I wouldn't have legs, I'd go for the slug juice.
Ricky
*Laughs*. What do you mean? So now you're a really slow moving legless armadillo with the head of an owl.
Stephen
Slithering along.
Karl
Yeah.
Stephen
How is that gonna be friendly? They'll be ... they'll see the beautiful face but then they'll terrified by the sludge.
Karl
No, cos the head's that nice that they'll ... they'll forego the er, the sludge.
Ricky
But hold on though, but wait a minute. So it's got this thing that's stuck, right, going at 0.1 miles an hour, with a .... going "hoooo". Right, you come over, you kick the head off. How is this a survival...
Karl
No cos it's head can go into the thing like a tortoise.
Ricky
Can it?
Karl
Yeah, course it can. Into the armadillo body.
Ricky
Well no, an armadillo doesn't do that. It just curls up into a ball.
Karl
No I know, this isn't an armadillo, is it?
Ricky
So it's j-... *sigh*.
Stephen
Why has it got the sludge? Why is that so attractive?
Karl
Because, what I'm thinking... what I'm thinking is: an armadillo, they're good when they're on their feet. Flip 'em, they got stuck like a tortoise.
Stephen
Right.
Karl
Slug stuff keeps it down.
Ricky
*Smirks*
Karl
So if anything attacks it, it's like a limpet or one of them things that can cling onto stuff.
Ricky
Why not have a limpet then?
Stephen
But... but it can't get any... how.... it can barely move. It can hardly get anywhere.
Ricky
Just go ... just go and kick it.
Karl
What do you mean it can't get anywhere?
Stephen
Well how can it escape from danger? It's going to move really slowly?
Ricky
It's rubbish. That's the worst animal.
Karl
No, cos it'll lock ... it'll lock itself in, it'll lock itself in.
Ricky
Yeah, and then I'll just scoop it up on the sa-...
Karl
You can't scoop it up. *cut* It locks itself in if it's in danger. I'd give it peacock feathers.
Ricky
*Laughs* Ha ha, this is the worst animal I have ever heard!
Stephen
But why has it got peacock feathers?
Ricky
This ... this ... this is the worst animal I've ever heard.
Karl
Again, it's just, it's just to...
Stephen
Why has it got peacock feathers?
Karl
It's threatening. It looks more threatening.
Ricky
It do-... right, that's the least threatening thing: peacock feathers. It's like Danny La Rue coming at you. There's nothing remotely scary about peacock feathers.
Karl
Yeah. Yeah, to humans. But the humans won't be harmin' it cos they like the owl head. People will like to have these things in the garden.
Stephen
Hmmm.
*cut*
Karl
Er... they eat lettuce.
Ricky
*Laughs* They eat lettuce! They eat le-... Why has it got a beak? They eat lettuce. He's telling them what they're going to eat now. The owl's going, "fuck that, I want a mouse". I love the fact that he's based what it eats on the fact that how it moves a bit like a slug.
Stephen
*Chuckles* Yeah, yes, yeah.
Ricky
Let it eat lettuce. It moves that, let it eat lettuce.
Karl
Like I said, it's not that weird. If that... If that existed, if that was normal that when you went out to empty your bin there was one of those sliding up the wall.
Ricky
*Laughs*
Karl
You wouldn't... you wouldn't even double take. It'd just be like, "oh there's the er... the owl-head peacock-feathered thing".
Stephen
I don't know why it's climbing walls in an effort to find lettuce.
Ricky
Yeah, why is it climbing up that wall?
Karl
'cos that's the only way it can see properly, cos it's head's coming out like that.
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
So even though you've designed this animal, now it's... you're even expecting its limitations.
Ricky
Now it's got a problem, now it's got a problem.
Karl
Well it's... it's mainly made to be on walls.
Ricky
*Cackles*
Karl
Well what else is living on walls?
Ricky
*Cackles*. Oh God! Oh fucking hell! What a useless animal that is. Karl, I mean.
*cut*
Karl
But nature chucks up odd things, doesn't it? *nods at Stephen*
Stephen
Don't ... why are we starting on this again?
Karl
No, I'm ... I'm just... I'm just saying that is nature. Now and again you'll get ... you'll get stuff that...
Ricky
Oh was he looking at you?
Stephen
Yeah.
*cut*
Ricky
Was he really? *cackles*
Stephen
Look at his fucking head. Look at his stupid round fucking orangey head, and ah...
Ricky
Why... why aren't you a freak? You've got a little bald head. We're not meant to be bald.
Karl
Well I... I was, I think. That's the thing. That's what nature's done. You see I didn't do anything with my hair when I had hair. I didn't style it, I didn't do anything with it, and it probably thought, "what am I doing here?"
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
Whereas people who love their hair, and they comb it and have different styles and look after it, they have hair for ages.
Stephen
Nonsense, gobbledegook.
Ricky
No, nonsense, absolute nonsense, absolute nonsense.
Karl
Well... well you say that. Well it's a little bit weird then, innit? *cut* And that's what happens with old people once they lose their will to live. Once they lose their job they get old: "what's me purpose? What am I doing here?" and it's like nature goes, "you're not needed" and they die. Maybe that's what happened with the dodo. What's it doing? It can't fly, it's wings are useless. Eat it. Tastes horrible. Kill it.
Stephen
*Laughs*
Ricky
No they did eat it.
Karl
Nature.
Ricky
I think they did eat it.
Karl
Yeah, but it wasn't very nice, was it?
Ricky
think... I think they over-farmed it. I think that's why it was extinct, 'cos they did eat it.
Karl
No but they did eat it, but they didn't like it. Everyone kn-... you never... you never saw like a fully eaten carcass of a dodo. They were only half-eaten.
Ricky
You're making this up again. All conjecture.
Karl
No but they didn't eat it all. Everybody would probably try it and go, "it's not for me, that".
Stephen
It's .. no idea, you're just making it up.
Ricky
But you don't know this. You don't know this. What's this based on? That people...
Stephen
It's just...
Ricky
And also why would that kill it out?
*cut*
Karl
Because, I tell you why...
Ricky
Why?
Karl
Because if it's not nice, people don-...go, "don't get another one in", and they die out. The reason we've got loads of chickens and loads of cows is because we eat 'em. If we ate polar bears, we wouldn't be short of them because you'd farm it. You'd take more care. But what is a polar bear doing? It's sat on a block of ice, floating about.
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
It's no use to us, is it? It sounds harsh, but it's no use...
Stephen
Once again got his information from a Glacier Mint advert.
Ricky
*Claps and laughs*
Karl
No, but it's no... it's no use to us. We know they're they, and it's very sad when you see them on the news sort of struggling and all that...
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
...but it's going to make them stronger.
Ricky
Hmmm.
*cut*
Stephen
If scientists could bring back to life the creatures that have existed in the past, do you think that's a good idea or a bad idea?
Karl
Bad idea.
Stephen
Bad idea?
Karl
Yeah.
Stephen
Now, leaving aside the horrors of Jurassic Park, do you think for research purposes it might be a useful idea?
Karl
Erm... I don't think it is. It's... for me it's like a Friends Reunited.
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
It's like... it's like people who you knew ages ago getting back in touch, and you go, "I don't wanna get in touch with you. That was then", and it's the same with a mammoth: "that was then. You had your day, it didn't work out." Now to bring it back is unfair. You're messing with nature anyway. I think I've said to you before about, I don't know what they'd do with them; they're massive things. I think it's like, they're just not thinking about... it's like rushing into buying furniture that's massive...
Stephen
*laughs*
Karl
...and then you get it back and you go, "I can't get it through the door". And it'll be like that with a mammoth:
"Where are you putting 'em?"
"Oh I didn't think of that."
Ricky
No, but Karl. No but...but what about if you could say you could feed the third world with mammoth meat?
Karl
But what's wrong with ... with ... we've got loads of cows and stuff. Why do they need a mammoth? No one even knows what it tastes like. Imagine that! You bring it back and you've got another dodo on your hands.
Ricky
No.
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
And people go, "this is well t-... this is horrible".
Ricky
Well they used to eat them, cos they... again, what humans found out is they er... they could take down a mammoth *cut*, but they got greedy and they found out they could er...*cut* they could chase them and so they'd go over an edge of a cliff. And what they did, they went crazy and they used to herd 'em and they'd all die, but then of course they'd waste the meat 'cos they couldn't eat it all.
Karl
Yeah. Well that's...that's er...I think that's why we shouldn't bring 'em back because they're too big. So even if they c...
Stephen
He didn't hear a word of what you said then. Didn't hear a word.
Karl
No, I did. You can ... everyone can eat them, but the problem is they're so big that you couldn't eat it quick enough so it all went off.
Ricky
Yeah, but I was saying that they killed too many at once.
Karl
Yeah, I know.
Stephen
*Laughs* He doesn't know what you're talking about.
Karl
Yeah, I heard that. I heard that. But what I'm saying is, why not bring back an animal that's smaller; manageable for everyone.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
Erm. That's why the chicken is perfect.
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
Out of all the animals, perfect. Good size, feeds a family of four. Whilst it's alive it's giving you eggs.
Ricky
I agree.
Stephen
And it tastes nice.
Karl
So, erm...
*cut*
Ricky
But it doesn't if you think it's not had a good life. If suddenly suddenly ... you know... said to me ... I stopped eating it 'cos I found out about how badly they were treated, like ten years ago, and at least I have organic. And honestly, eating an animal that's been tortured doesn't taste nice. Fois gras would make me vomit.
Stephen
Yeah.
Ricky
The thought of it. The evil involved in torturing a goose 'cos the liver tastes slightly better. I mean, where does it end?
Karl
I think if they're looked after, they don't want to die. The ones in a nice warm little, you know, hut, being fed lovely food. You're going, "right, we're gonna cut your head off", and they're probably like, "oh God, I'm... I'm going to miss this. I'm loving this life". Whereas the one sat in its own shit's going, "Have me first. I'm sick of it. " There's al-... there's different ways of looking at...
Ricky
Good, good point. So what you're saying is: give animals a bad life, torture 'em. and they'll be happy when you eat 'em. *cut* Brilliant.
*cut*
Karl
But we've ordered a wotsit. We've ordered a turkey.
Ricky
Right.
Karl
It's way too big. I don't know what we're gonna do with it, and it's worrying me now, actually.
Ricky
*Laughs*
Karl
It'll be nice on Christmas Day, but it's my job to look after the kitchen and everything, and tidy up. And I know ... I don't know what I'm gonna do with it all.
Ricky
*Laughs* I love the fact that he's been given the job to make him worthwhile. Really, it's like a little home.
Karl
No, but a chicken...ya chicken...
Ricky
"Arthur! You...you're washing up today, aren't you"?
"Yep, Arthur's job!"
Karl
And that's the problem with... with a mammoth. I think the idea of it's probably quite pleasant. You go, "oh, that... that's something new to... to try out, but afterwards when you've got to tidy it up and stick it in clingfilm, you'd be going, "how much of this have we got?"
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
So I wouldn't bring back the mammoth.
Ricky
Brilliant.
Stephen
Charles Darwin, of course, once said... er, "I cannot persuade myself that a beneficent and omnipotent God would have created parasitic wasps with the express intention of their feeding within the living bodies of caterpillars."
Karl
Hmmm.
Stephen
His point being that, you know... er, creatures and their reproductive cycles are so complicated, so intricate, so bizarre that that alone is proof of the non-existence of God. Where do you stand on that?
Karl
Erm. It's... it's pretty weird. We talked about it ages ago about the wasp that has a thing growing in it and all that. Erm.
Ricky
Lays its egg in a spider.
Karl
Yeah, and then the spider goes mad, doesn't it?
Stephen
Err...
Ricky
That's where, "you fucking cunt, laying your eggs in me, you fucking stripy wanker." It goes absolutely fucking mad.
Karl
It is weird how...
Ricky
"I'm going to have a wasp coming out me arse in a couple of we-... you fuckin'..."
Karl
I don't know. I don't know how it found out that that's what it had to do. That's the amazing thing, innit?
Stephen
Well it didn't, did it?
Ricky
It just did it.
Karl
No, I know. But when I say found out, I mean it just did it.
Ricky
Well it's like mimicry, when they say 'mimicry'. You know, that there's... there's a poisonous snake, and then a snake comes along that looks a bit like it, that's not poisonous, but people go, "ooh careful, it's poisonous". That snake didn't go, "I'm gonna ... I'm gonna strain and I'm gonna try and look like Scary over there". Some were born that looked a bit like Scary and they survived.
Karl
Yeah, I know.
Ricky
It's just being chosen.
Karl
But that's changing now, innit? The fact that... like when them frogs came out that were dangerous, they were just dangerous.
Ricky
What frogs came out? Bo-...
Karl
There's some frogs in the jungle somewhere that were like pretty dangerous.
Stephen
"New from Mattel: dangerous frogs in the jungle".
Ricky
*Chuckles* Yeah.
Karl
But they... but people didn't know...
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
...that they were dangerous and they were going about killing loads of stuff. Anyway...
Ricky
They weren't going... no they don't go around killing loads of stuff.
Karl
Nature said, "this is a bit unfair. Make 'em orange." So then the frogs that were orange were dangerous but you got a warning. It was a bit more fair. Nature said, "if they're gonna go about being dangerous, make 'em orange; make 'em stand out". In the jungle orange stands out in all the green. Right? So people went, "there's an orange frog, stay away." Then over time nature went, "right, what's hap... what's happened here now: everyone knows the orange frog's dangerous. Birds aren't eating it 'cos they know it's dangerous. People are avoiding it. They don't even need the poison, it's just the orange it needs." So now you've got a load of frogs that are orange, not even deadly, but people go, "is that a deadly orange one, or is it a friendly one? Well, best to leave it."
Ricky
Again he's explained my point but took thirty times as long over it.
Stephen
Yeah, but also in his head...
Karl
No, but let me finish what I was gonna say. But what's... what's interesting with all that is: evolution has taught stuff to lie, 'cos that orange frog isn't deadly. It's going about like it's the big 'I am'.
Ricky
Yeah?
Karl
You could squash it with your hand. It can't do anything.
Ricky
*Laughs*
Karl
But evolution has...
Stephen
It's swaggering around.
Karl
...has, it's made it lie. So lying is part of evolution.
Ricky
But it's not lying, is it?
Karl
What do you mean?
Ricky
Well...
Karl
It's got no poison.
Ricky
...the interesting thing about um like a toad that er secretes a poison is that um often it's no good for it as an individual but it's good for the species as a whole. Because summat'll come along and... and chew it. Now that toad may well die, but that fox is sick and it doesn't eat another one. So it's sort of saving the species.
Karl
Yeah, but at the same time the dodo tasted rubbish. Everybody said, "don't eat one of them".
Ricky
Yeah, yeah, well we don't know that. We don't know that.
Stephen
We're going back to the dodo.
Ricky
We don't know that ... we have no evidence.
Karl
Well I have.. I have read it. I've read that they don't taste very nice, but it didn't stop it...
Ricky
Why doesn't it taste very nice.? Why is...?
Karl
It's just in the same way that chicken's nicer than duck. You can't all have nice tasting flesh. Pork's alright but I prefer beef!
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
Point proven, good night!
Karl
So what I'm saying is, with the dodo, it did taste horrible but everyone wanted to give it a go. Meanwhile it's different people trying it so it died out in the end anyway, so your theory of a frog being poisonous and a fox going, "err, that's horrible, I won't eat another one of them", then you get another fox trying one, and another fox. They don't all have a word with each other, do they? They're going, "I had a rotten frog the other night". So it's pointless. It's a pointless exercise.
Stephen
What I like is your image of nature. This idea that sort of, in your head there's Mother Nature sat round like a boardroom table...
Ricky
Yeah.
Stephen
... making these decisions. People are coming in:
"Oi frog, what's been going on?"
"Well, I've been poisoning people."
"Why?"
"What about you?"
It's just, you just picture everything as one large reasoned...
Ricky
Y-y-y-your confusion is that th-... you still of evolution has a will. You still believe that things are striving to be something else, as opposed to surviving if they adapt or change.
I just wanna, um, go through some of the er... the wonderful diversity of er... nature. Some of the incredible feats of the animal kingdom, in a way. Er. Here you are, here's an interesting one: "Alligators and old people have something in common: they can hear notes only up to four thousand vibrations a second."
Karl
Well I don't know what you're meant to do with that information.
Ricky
*Laughs*
Karl
When that's ever come in handy?
Ricky
*Laughs*
*cut*
Karl
When a band's getting together, they don't go, "no we're after crocodiles and old people. What kind of tunes do they like?" It's pointless.
Stephen
*Chuckles*
Ricky
Ya' not ... not impressed? OK. "Scientists have applied electrodes to the pleasure centre in a rat's brain. The rat pressed a lever forty eight thousand times over a full day in order to receive that shock that seemed to him pleasurable, choosing the simulator instead of having water or food or sex." So it... it chose that virtual pleasure.... well not virtual pleasure, it gave it real pleasure. But an artificial stimulus rather than the real thing, like food or water or sex.
Karl
It never ate and had water? It never had a change?
Ricky
N-n- it could, it could... no, it was addicted. It just c-... it loved this electrode. It was giving it... it made it feel good. It was getting as much pleasure from that as the real thing; from sex or... or food.
Karl
Yeah but wi-... with any pleasure you get sick of it, don't ya'? If you have too much of it.
Ricky
Well it had forty eight thousand hits in a day.
Karl
But I like to have a Twix, but if I have more than four a week I go, "I *exhale*... I've ruined that little pleasure I used to like."
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
So what I'm saying is: what did it do the second day?
Ricky
No, but er...
Karl
Did it go near the machine the second day?
Ricky
No, no.
Karl
Well there you go then.
Ricky
N-n-n-n-no no. But what your failing is this, right: that Twix is failing to give you pleasure, on that fifth Twix, but this succeeds every time 'cos it's literally pleasure. It hits the part of the brain that says this is pleasurable.
Karl
So...
Ricky
What?
Karl
...my pleasure er... pleasure nerve that you're talking about in my head.
Ricky
*Laughs* Yeah.
Karl
It lights up when I have a Twix?
Ricky
I... I... I don't think it ever lights up.
Stephen
Right.
Ricky
I don't think you have a pleasure nerve.
Karl
But it lights up when I have a Twix.
Ricky
Right.
Karl
It lights up if there's something... if there's some chicken. Right? It lights up if there...
Ricky
Fuck me. What a miserable cunt he is.
Karl
You know, all... all... all loads of things.
Ricky
Chicken and Twix.
Stephen
That's it. That's all he lives for.
Karl
Now, no.
Stephen
Hang yourself, mate.
Karl
So, what you're saying is: if I had that device that the rat's got...
Ricky
Nnnn.
Karl
... I'd just sit there, wouldn't I, hitting it, thinking I can't be bothered going to the shop for a Twix; I'll just hit this button.
Ricky
Yeah. Think of this: "So aggressive is the horned frog of Argentina that people believe that, if the frog bites the lips of a horse, the horse will die. Actually the frog's mouth contains no poison. It earned its fearsome reputation because it attacks animals many times its size." What do you think of a frog attacking a horse?
Karl
It's ridiculous. I don't know what's going on. I don't know why that would happen. Why's it getting upset with horse? Of all the things for a frog to be l-... getting cocky with. Them two should never even meet.
Ricky
*Laughing* Why? Why? Why? Why?
Karl
'cos it's not er... I mean fights are normally over something, aren't they?
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
If you have a fight with someone - "you're in my yard" or, you know...
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
It's ... it's ...you're fighting over something. A horse and a frog...
Ricky
I love the fact that he immediately goes back to the 1930s.
Stephen
Yeah.
Ricky
"You're in my yard."
Karl
But a horse and a frog - how did that disagreement happen?
Stephen
What are they squabbling over?
Karl
I don't... I don't understand what they've got in common. I... I don't ... I don't understand it. I bet that's only happened once. It's a rare incident, someone said, "put that in a book".
Ricky
*Laughs*
Karl
I can't imagine it, that that's happening a lot. That horses are being bit by frogs all over the shop.
Ricky
*Laughs* Oh God!
Ricky
I saw this trailer for this documentary that said, er, "The man who's having a baby."
Karl
Hmmm.
Ricky
And I turned on, and it's a woman going through a sex-change and she's pregnant. That's not a man having a baby; that's a woman having a beard.
Stephen
Having a breakdown.
Ricky
Er er, wh- why- why is that... what... that's a con. That is pure sensa-... "it's a man having a baby. Look, the world first...". No, it's the woman, it's a woman. What do you think of that? What would you do if you were a doctor and I came to you and went, "Karl, listen. I'm having a bit of a rethink of these. Er, I don't ... I ... the penis - I hate it. I hate this cock."
Karl
But what do you mean you hate it?
Ricky
I hate it. I don't want it there. It doesn't look right. It doesn't look right. It just sits there resting on these fucking awful testicles that I'm gonna get rid of. I want... I want this thrown away.
Karl
Yeah well, it's... you know... they're not a great look. I know that. Everyone knows that. It's just the way they are.
Ricky
*Laughs*
Karl
It's just the way they are. I mean if we're all being honest, they're an odd design.
Ricky
*Laughs*
Karl
I don't think anyone likes their own, do they? That's why we cover 'em. They're not a great thing, are they?
Ricky
*Laughing* What it's... that's not why we cover them though, is it?
Karl
It's part of it, I think. I think deep down, I mean even if like ... I know you hate the Adam and Eve thing, but even if back then he was like, "good God, cover 'em up" and he had a leaf on.
Ricky
*Laugh* No, but listen, right. So are you thinking fundamentally then that aesthetically the testicles and the penis isn't as good as it could be? What would you have there instead?
Karl
Well it's... it's designed that way 'cos that's the way it's got to be designed. It's more about function than er...
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
And, and that's the thing, innit? With- with modern technology...
Ricky
You need... you know... th- th- the testicles have to be outside because they have to be a few degrees below body temperature.
Karl
Yeah.
Ricky
Otherwise the sertoli cells die which sort of feeds the... semen and all that. So they... the... you know, to be functioning and sort of like fertile, they have to be outside, which is annoying because I'd put a little ribcage around 'em, like that *snaps fingers*. I'd... I'd pop a ribcage round those, protect 'em, wear a cricket box, have that built in, so you cannot get a kick in... a swift kick in the bollocks that makes you feel sick!
Karl
No but it would be b-... it would be better if they could sort of reverse up...
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
...in a way that they w- ... they w-... they were hidden away.
Stephen
Right.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
So that they were just ... then you dropped them. It's like, "right, we need to cool 'em down. Be at it in about half an hour."
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
Bzzzzz. Drop 'em down.
Ricky
Yeah, like the gear on a... on an aeroplane; the landing gear, yeah - "(in aeroplane pilot voice) and er, the landing gear down, and the bollocks and the cooling down". Or you could just like, just pop 'em in the fridge for ten minutes.
Karl
It's like...
Stephen
Or they could detach and you could pop them 'em in the fridge and cool 'em down.
Ricky
Yeah. Could you make me some breasts?
Karl
Easy.
Stephen
*Chuckles*
Ricky
OK, go on, you say easy. What are you gonna do? What's your plan?
Karl
Just.. er ... how do you do that? It's tablets, innit?
Ricky
No but...!
Karl
Testerone, innit?
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
Testerone?
Ricky
Toblerone. I wanna, yeah... I want some Toblerone.
Stephen
Just some sort of pointy... pointy tits, like Madonna.
Ricky
Hmmm. *Laughs* Where do you stop though? Supposing I came to you and said, "er, doctor, listen. Um, I like the bollocks and I like the penis, but I don't like them where they are. I'd... I want them ... I want them in the middle of my chest. I want breasticles. Yeah? The arse - I don't like it round the back - I can't see what's going on. Pop that round the front where the bollocks were. I want my arse where I can look down and see what's going on. Can you do it?"
Karl
I think it's just easier to move the head, innit?
Ricky
*Cackles*
Stephen
*Chuckles*
Stephen
Rick, I know you're a big fan of Professor Richard Dawkins, the evolutionary biologist. He wrote a book "The Ancestor's Tale", in which he predicted a post-human world. Er, this was his ... you know ... his kind of hypothesis, if we were t- t- t-, er, well let me read what he's written:
"If nuclear war destroys humanity and most of the rest of life, a good bet for survival in the short-term and for evolutionary ancestry in the long-term, is rats. I have a post-Armageddon vision wherein all the other large animals are gone. Rodents emerge as the ultimate post-human scavengers. They gnaw their way through New York, London and Tokyo, digesting spilled larders, ghost supermarkets and human corpses, and turning them into new generations of rats and mice, whose racing populations explode out of the cities and into the countryside. When all the relics of human profligacy are eaten, populations crash again and rodents turn on each other, and on the cockroaches scavenging with them. In a period of intense competition, short generations perhaps with radioactivity-enhanced mutation rates, boost rapid evolution. With human ships and planes gone, islands become islands again with local populations isolated, save for occasional lucky raftings. Ideal conditions for evolutionary divergence. Within five millions years a whole range of new species replace the ones we know. Herds of giant grazing rats are stalked by sabre-toothed predatory rats. Given enough time, will a species of intelligent cultivated rats emerge? Will rodent historians and scientists eventually organise careful archaeological digs, and through the strata of our long-compacted cities, reconstruct the peculiar and temporarily tragic circumstances that gave ratkind its big break?"
Ricky
Karl, thoughts?
Karl
*Pause* I mean, who knows what's gonna happen?
Ricky
"Explodes into laughter"
Ricky
Well that's about it for the second in this series of "The Ricky Gervais Guide To..." That was Natural History.
Stephen
I think we've left no stone unturned there, Rick.
Ricky
I think that is a definitive work. Um, if you've enjoyed "The Ricky Gervais Guide to Natural History", why not go back and listen to "The Ricky Gervais Guide to Medicine", if you haven't already. Or even if you have, cos it's... cos it'll be revision.
Stephen
*Laughs* There will be a test.
Ricky
There will be... there won't be a test.
Stephen
There won't be a test.
Ricky
We can't... be... er... bothered.
Stephen
No.
Ricky
And next in the series is "The Ricky Gervais Guide to The Arts". Look forward to that.
Stephen
Sorry, just to clarify, that's "The Arts".
Ricky
Yeah.
Stephen
Right.
Ricky
Not "the arse".
Stephen
Right. Sorry It's just 'cos of the way you speak.
Ricky
Well yeah... I mean... you shouldn't have a go at the way people speak, you words are... *laugh*
Stephen
*Laughs* Yeah, well just be clar-..., be clear... be clari-...
Ricky
Well, no clearly you're not being "clar... clear-...clar..." are you... bumbling fool... and we won't even get onto Karl Pilkington... dopey.... twat.
Anyway, thank you very much from me, Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant...
Stephen
Good bye.
Ricky
... and Karl Pilkington.
Karl
Alright.
