Series 1, Episode 1
Table of contents
Ricky
You're listening to Ricky Gervais. With me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.
Now, you er probably know me from such works as The Office and Extras, er... er Stephen being my co-writer and co-director on those things. For those people er... not so aware of Karl Pilkington, um he was our producer who was given to us when we first started on XFM.
Um, and er... you're thinking, well why are we doing a podcast? Why are we doing a podcast for...f- for no money? Um...
Stephen
Is there no money?
Ricky
Is... no. It's free innit? It's free download. But this...this is... yeah... this is what I'm here to answer. I like to be in a room with Karl Pilkington. You know like some people go and help sort of chimps?
Stephen
*Laughs* Do they?
Ricky
Yeah, well.
Stephen
What they go to the... you know... the... the jungles and things.
Ricky
And help out sort of little endangered species.
Stephen
Diane Fossey, or whatever.
Ricky
Exactly, yeah.
Stephen
You're very much the Diane Fossey of the...
Ricky
Of the... of...
Stephen
...Manchester scene.
Ricky
Of the... of the er... the little bald Manc world.
Stephen
*Chuckles*
Ricky
And Karl Pilkington is...is an ongoing experiment for me, 'cos I've seen him blossom from and idiot into an imbecile.
Stephen
*Laughs*
Ricky
And I want... I want to see it through. Look at the way he's looking at us through the glass.
Stephen
Hmmm.
Ricky
Look at that – he's got a perfectly round head. Um... and that's why I'm doing this um podcast or Bodcast, as I'm going to call it in his um honour. Little round-headed Bod-type freak.
Stephen
If you're not familiar with Bod, we can maybe put up a picture of Bod, the popular cartoon kids' character.
Ricky
Go to rickygervais.com and you'll see a picture of Karl and a picture of Bod.
Stephen
And you draw your own conclusions.
Ricky
Karl, what do you think about all this?
Karl
It's alright.
Stephen
You excited by this new technology?
Karl
What, Bodcasts?
Stephen
*Laughs* Yeah, exactly.
Karl
Erm, it's just I mean we are living in that sort of era now, aren't we, that you need to be able to listen to stuff on demand, when you want it and stuff.
Stephen
I know you... you're not a fan of the iPod in general, are you, or any of the mp3 things? You're concerned.
Karl
Err... I'm warming to it, but...
Ricky
This is what's amazing about Karl. Even though he's talking about things like mp3 players, computers, er iPods, he sounds like he's... he was found in a glacier and... and thawed out...
Stephen
*Laughs*
Ricky
Do you know what I mean? And sort of taught to speak.
Stephen
Yeah, yeah. We're... we're a couple of high-school guys who found him, and we're t-... we're trying to ingratiate him in the er... in the gang. Trying to pass him off as someone from the modern day.
Ricky
I know.
Karl
No no, but... but my thing with iPods is, now do we need them? Do you know what I mean? We're...we're living in that era now where we have invented most of the stuff that we need...
Stephen
*Laughs weirdly*
Karl
... and now we're just messing about.
Ricky
They said that in 1900. Someone actually said, everything that's to be invented has already been invented.
Karl
What...
Ricky
They said that in 1900, and how wrong were they?
Karl
No but what... what came out... at what point... what was invented in that year where they went, "Right, that's it now."?
Ricky
Well hang on.
Karl
What did they invent in 1900 that made them go, "We've done it all now."?
Ricky
Well just think... think a little bit, alright? The twentieth century. Think what happened in the twentieth century.
Karl
Go on.
Ricky
Well, cars, planes.
Karl
Yeah but, is that a good thing? Planes and that? Do you need t-... do you need a plane really? Wouldn't it have been better if we all stuck where we should be, instead of travelling about?
Stephen
Why?
Karl
War. Well look war... war's happening, innit, because everyone's saying, "Well now we can fly, we'll go over there and have an..."
Stephen
So there were no wars prior to the invention of the aeroplane?
Karl
Not like...not like there is today.
Stephen
Right.
Karl
But what I'm saying is, the more... the world's got smaller, ain't it? Everyone's saying that.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
Right. A-... you know, the way I was saying to you the other day: er... you know, we now go to places where we shouldn't go. People go on holiday to places where you've got to have an injection before you go there.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
Forget it then. That... that... that's a warning. Don't go there.
Ricky
Well I'm with you on that. I... I... I don't want to enter a country where I have to have an injection to stop me from dying while I'm in that country.
Karl
Right.
Ricky
I totally agree with you on that. Yeah.
Karl
So what happened is, so they invented a plane and were like,
"Oh, let's go on holiday" and then they go,
"Oh, I die now".
"Oh well you've got to invent summat... let's invent an injection." And then it's like,
"Right, well what... what else do we need to go to that place?" It's a lot of faffing.
Ricky
Bursts out laughing.
Stephen
Bursts out laughing*
Karl
So what I'm saying is: I'm ... I'm...
Ricky
Is that a place? "Alottafaffin"?
Karl
What... what I'm saying is: you know, Steve's travelled more than I have. You've been to like dangerous places.
Stephen
I've been places where you need injections, yep.
Karl
Yeah, but why?
Stephen
Cos it's fascinating, isn't it, you know? Do you not believe in that idea of travel broadens the mind?
Karl
Well...
Stephen
You know, it makes you experience other ways of life, other ways of thinking. It just enriches you as a human being. That's the whole reason people go travelling.
Karl
But since the invention of the telly...
Ricky
*Chuckles*
Karl
...you don't have to go that far to see...
Stephen
You're absolutely right.
Ricky
So there you go then, the telly was the twentieth century, wasn't it?
Karl
Yeah, it's pretty good. There some good stuff.
Stephen
So where would you have... where would you stop then? You'd stop making stuff now? Stop inventing stuff right now? Or do you think we could carry on for another five years, see what comes up and then just draw a line under it all?
Karl
Well again we're just messing about, and I...
Ricky
But there's still things to do, isn't there? I mean... I... I don't know, I could throw things up, you could always go *something*, a cure for cancer, a cure for AIDS.
Karl
Yeah but, d-... should we... should we mess with that?
Ricky
What do you mean?
Karl
Because there's too... there's too many people in the world as is it, isn't there? (Int the) So that's a way of controlling it so that... you know, like, look at London, right: it's overpopulated, rent keeps going up, 'cos there's more and more people surviving. Right? You let 'em die, it's gonna even itself out. See, I was saying to someone the other day about, maybe we should look at... if we're gonna invent something, right, forget the traditional way of people having kids, right? The way they, you know, have it away and that. You have a little...
Stephen
*Laughs*
Ricky
What do you mean? What do you mean?
Karl
No, you know, like, the... the way that... you know, we... we have kids and stuff. If... it'd be good if what happened was, to... to control it, is if, man and woman, right? They're sort of... they're born and that, they enjoy their life, they learn a lot, they live to be about 78, I think by that point.
Ricky
*Laughs* So specific.
Stephen
Yeah, 78, yeah.
Karl
No no no, but sev-... by 78 I reckon you've sort of got to that point where you go, "You know what, I've done everything I'm gonna do." If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78, you're not gonna do it.
Ricky
Yeah.
Stephen
*Chuckles*
Karl
You know what I mean? So it's kinda of like...
Ricky
Your hips'd come off.>
Karl
You've... you've done it all now, so... I've ha-...I've had my innings.
Ricky
Yep.
Karl
And then you die right. So say if everyone had that; they lived to be 78.
Stephen
Mmmm.
Karl
But then just as you die...
Ricky
They give you the bumps.
Stephen
*Quiet chuckle*
Karl
You get... you have a little baby inside you, and as you die your life carries on.
Ricky
Sorry, are you...
Stephen
How is this happening?
Ricky
Sorry, are you mental?
Karl
N- no, but don't you think...?
Ricky
I mean, what... I've never heard such drivel.
Karl
You say-... you're saying that, but if...if...if Newton said that you'd go, "Hmmm, interesting."
Ricky
*Laughs*
Karl
That's what annoys me.
Ricky
I love it...
Stephen
The point is, Karl, he never would.
Ricky
No...
Stephen
He'd never say it. That's the point.
Karl
But if you never say it... if you never say it...
Ricky
I... I don't... I don't understand what you're talking about there. What... how h- how was it... how was there a little baby in a 78 year old's...?
Karl
No, what I'm saying is, it's like an apple, where...
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
...the apple grows, and it's got its little baby pips in it, and... and the apple goes, and the seeds are planted and a new one's born.
Ricky
But that's what happens.
Stephen
But that's what reproduction is.
Karl
Yeah but I'm saying, babies aren't being born left, right and centre. It's...it's... it's controlled so that as someone dies, someone's born.
Stephen
But Karl, stop. Wh- wh- whose responsibility is this?
Karl
Look if you don't want to do it, we don't do it, but I'm just...
Stephen
But who's r-... is it supposed to be nature? It nature got to... to develop humans so that we act that way? We... we live that way? Or is this a scientificexperiment?
Ricky
*Laughs* What I like... what I like is he said... he said to you then... he said, "Look, if you don't want to do it, we don't need to do it".
Stephen
*Laughs*
Ricky
Like if you were up for it, we'll sort it out. We can do that.
Stephen
We'll have a whip-round, so we can do the research.
Karl
I just think, at the end of the day we've gotta do something, and is anyone keeping an eye on this, and... and looking at what we can do next to control the population thing? It does my head in that I've gotta live in London for work and what have you.
Ricky
*Chuckles*
Karl
And there's loads of people here. And, you know, forget going out on a Saturday night, it's too busy. And you can't busy, and they keep... I mean... what annoys me about London is...
Stephen
So your solution is that 78 year old women have little babies inside them?
Ricky
And...
Stephen
And as they slip away into death, the little babies... and how is that little baby then raised? Who then looks after the baby?
Ricky
Who looks after the baby? Cos it's a pretty good system having a baby while you're young enough to look after that baby and make sure that it lives to er, you know, reproductive age itself.
Stephen
I mean that one... that system's been working for years.
Ricky
Nature's sort of sorted it out. Natural selection and evolution sort of makes that a g-... a good model.
Stephen
But wait a minute nature, pop that on hold 'cos Karl Pilkington's got an idea.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
Yeah, it's just... it was just... it was... that's what it was. It was an idea.
Stephen
Yeah, well it was... it was, you know, it was nonsense. But thank you for it.
Ricky
It was one of the worst ideas. I mean it was the ramblings of...
Stephen
*Laughs*
Ricky
It was the ramblings of someone you'd find by themselves in a hospital eating flies.
Stephen
Yeah. This is the sort of thing you find when... er... if they find er, maybe a... a pamphlet or a...a booklet written by a psychopath.
Ricky
*Laughs* Yeah.
Stephen
You know, someone... just before they went on a rampage and then turned the gun on themselves...
Ricky
Yeah.
Stephen
...they go through their possessions and they find a book and it's got weird drawings, women with knives in their face...
Ricky
Yeah.
Stephen
... and this kind of gobbledegook.
Ricky
In fact I saw...er... I saw a similar sort of theory written out on a wall, but it was written in sh*t.
Stephen
*Laughs* Exactly. Yeah.
Karl
No, all... all I'm saying is, I think... it's... when people die normally, everyone's fed up about it, aren't they, and a bit down...
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
...but, if when you... if if when you pass away, they go, "Oh, we're gonna miss Gladys" or whatever, but then there's this new life brought in, it's almost like a bad news / good news.
Ricky
But... but you're talking about it like someone could pick this idea up and run with it. Like, you've given them enough information to do it.
Stephen
*Laughs* Yeah.
Ricky
How is this possible? Where does she get the baby from?
Karl
It's...
Ricky
How... how... wh- - wh-... why does it grow... why grow it in er... in Gladys's belly? Why not have it in a drawer?
Karl
But... but what I'm saying is...
Ricky
I'd say, "Well here you go. Just add water."
Stephen
Who looks after son of Gladys?
Karl
Look... look...
Ricky
There is no theory here. There's no... it's the ramblings of a th-... a madman.
Karl
What I'm saying is though, the body's always changing, innit. From caveman to now, or whatever.
Ricky
*Chuckles* In some cases.
Karl
It's changing. And they're always finding out more and more, like I read the other day...
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
... about how, erm, they're saying ... do you know how like they say people have six senses?
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
There's loads more than that.
Ricky
*Cackles*
Karl
Right and there's this one th-...
Ricky
I know, show me that you're got one.
Karl
No, right, and... and there's this one that's knocking about...
Ricky
Go on.
Karl
... that er... what is it... say if I'm... say if I'm in a... in a pub, right?
Ricky
Hmmm.
Karl
And I'm... I'm just doing a crossword or whatever.
Stephen
Unlikely, but go on.
Karl
And, er, there's someone woman who's walked in, right? And she's staring at me.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
I know she's looking at me, and I look up and I look round and she's looking at me.
Ricky
Right.
Karl
And they're saying that's a new sense that they... that they've found out from... like, you know, doing tests and what have you.
Ricky
Yeah, it's rubbish. Um, OK...
Karl
And they're saying that's been around since... since like man and dinosaur was knocking about.
Ricky
But it could be... it could be, you know, peripheral vision. It could be her footsteps stopped, and usually when someone's footsteps stop they're... they're... they're... they've stopped because you're...
Karl
No they've explained it.
Stephen
I think it's safe to assume that... you know, that with your perfectly round head people are always stopping and looking.
Karl
N- no, but they explained it.
Ricky
*Chuckles*
Stephen
I mean, you just know there'll probably be someone there if you look round.
Karl
They... they said it's from the time when, like, caveman was, like, wandering about, and he'd go, "Hang on a minute", and he'd look round, there's a dinosaur there, or whatever, and he'd... he'd leg it.
Ricky
Right, this is...n- this is nonsense.
Karl
It's not.
Ricky
One... one, I hate it when people use the wor- term, "when caveman was wandering around".
Stephen
*Laughs*
Ricky
Cavemen and dinosaurs? Oh they used to live together, yeah. Oh that's the same era, yeah. What have you been watching? Raquel Welch?
Karl
What do you mean?
Ricky
Well, what do you mean "caveman wandering... knocking around with a dinosaur"?
Stephen
You know the Flintstones is only partly based on fact?
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
Dinosaurs and man did not co-exist? Dinosaurs had long gone before man arrived. Extinct. Kaput.
Karl
Hmmm.
Stephen
You don't... what, you don't believe us?
Ricky
What, you don't believe... cos you... you've seen...
Stephen
Cos you saw that film where they took pictures of lizards and magnified them and put them next to men in films so they looked like they were fighting.
Ricky
*Laughs* Yeah.
Karl
No but why... why couldn't that have er happened?
Ricky
What is the film with Raquel Welch? A Million Years BC?
Stephen
10 Million Years BC, or something.
Ricky
A Million Years BC. Brilliant.
Stephen
Yeah.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
N- no but.
Stephen
She had a sort of woolley mammoth bikini. Fact.
Karl
But why... why wasn't there dinosaurs back then, just like how we have dogs now, in a way?
Ricky
He's watching The Flintstones.
Stephen
He's watching The Flintstones.
Ricky
He's thinking of The Flintstones. That's what he's thinking.
Stephen
When he puts out the sabre-toothed tiger, and then *something* (Dido???)
Ricky
Yeah, yeah, and he... and he mixes his concrete in a pelican.
Stephen
Yeah *Laughs*
Ricky
*Laughs*
Karl
I j-... I just think that there c-... there must have been a crossover point.
Ricky
Why? Why do you say that? Why do you think there must have been a crossover point.
Stephen
"There must have been."
Karl
Cos if nothing was knocking about at any point, how did anything carry on?
Ricky
I know. I... exactly. Why w- why... why didn't Hitler meet Nero. It's weird, innit? There must have been a crossover. They must have met somewhere. They must have met at a party somewhere.
Stephen
*Laughs* They mix in similar circles.
Ricky
Yeah. What, I mean... are you... are you telling me that Ken Dodd has never met Genghis Khan? They must have bumped into s-... I can't believe it.
Karl
Ah, forget it.
Ricky
Oh...*cut* you're listening to Ricky Gervais with Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Coming up after the ads, Monkey News.
Stephen
What ads?
Ricky
No ads, no?
Stephen
No, we're not... there's nothing here. There's no records, we've just gotta keep on talking.
Ricky
OK.
Stephen
Which is not...
Ricky
We could do our own ads.
Stephen
OK.
Ricky
"Bring tea for the tillerman, steak for the sun." Out now to own on DVD: Ricky Gervais's and Stephen Merchant's award-winning Extras. With Ross Kemp – "Oh, Zippy", with Les Dennis – "Put your arse away, Les." "Oh, I don't really know" and Kate Winslet – "Oh this nun outfit makes me talk dirty." Out now on DVD, Extras.
Stephen
*Laughing* Did you like Flanimals,...
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
...the Ricky Gervais book for kids with pictures of made-up creatures in different colours. Well if you did, there's more of them now in Even More Flanimals.
Ricky
More Flanimals.
Stephen
Which is also by Ricky Gervais, drawings by his mate. Out now.
Ricky
You're listening to Ricky Gervais with Steve Merchant and Karl Pilkington.
Karl
Alright.
Ricky
Well er, now time for one of our regular features: Monkey News.
Stephen
Do the jingle.
Ricky
Ooh, chimpanzee that. Monkey News.
Karl
Right, what... what we're doing here is, right? Is, er, just giving you a bit of... bit a' monkey news that's... that's gone on, right...
Stephen
*Chuckles*
Karl
... where a monkey's been involved in it. Good little story and that.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
Are you familiar with the one that went into space?
Ricky
Er.
Karl
The first... first sort of thing that they ever sent up there, before man did it and all that. You see, this is what annoyed me with it really. Armstrong gets all the... all the glory, but do you know who went up there before... before him.
Stephen
A monkey?
Karl
Yeah.
Stephen
Yeah.
Ricky
Dog went up first.
Stephen
But what was the monkey called?
Karl
I dunno.
Stephen
No, sure OK. So it's not the most informed news bulletin.
Ricky
The dog was called Laika.
Karl
Was it?
Ricky
Yeah. They couldn't get it back though. They sent it up there, did a few tests and stuff, and they couldn't get it back. They weren't... they weren't prepared to bring the capsule back yet. Brilliant. We could all do that.
Karl
So is that... is that a... you know, is that a good mission?
Ricky
Well I just think they were just seeing if it... if... if the mission itself killed it, but they didn't have the technology, 'cos of course it couldn't... it couldn't fly the capsule back, which it has to be manned to bring it.
Karl
Right, well this... this was... this was the next one up then, right? So the dog must have gone first and they went, "Right, we made an error there", right? "Get the monkey in". And what happened is, they taught it erm what buttons to hit at the time that it needed to hit 'em, and... and the way they did this, like, give it bananas. It was like, "Hit the red button" and it hit the red button - they'd give it a banana. And they'd go, "Reverse is the green one, hit the green one" and then they'd do that and go, "There's a banana". And then they'd go, "Right, hit reverse" and it'd go 'pfff' and get a banana. "Hit a red"... So it was taking commands on like headphones.
Ricky
Right, but how were they giving it the banana?
Stephen
Is that how you learned to do radio?
Ricky
*Laughs* How were they giving it the banana?
Karl
What do you mean?
Ricky
Well...
Karl
No this was before it went. You don't... you wouldn't just stick a monkey in it and go "There you go. Get on with it." They sort of put it in one of those capsules that you get...
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
... and they were on headphones.
Ricky
I don't believe this happened.
Stephen
*Chuckles*
Karl
Well, I'm telling you the story now. So the monkey's sat...
Ricky
I don't think they trained it to do anything. I think they sent it up there and he put electrodes coming out of it to see what... what... it's... it's...
Karl
No, it wasn't any of that. They did a thing, like they do.
Ricky
No.
Karl
Like... like they can with animals. If you give something a... you know... like a treat, you can teach it how to do it. It's like a dog, innit, when you...
Ricky
It's called Pavlovian Conditioning., however that was to see if it would salivate or go over to a particular corner.
Karl
Yeah, well. Yeah.
Ricky
Not if it could control a spacecraft.
Stephen
*Chuckles*
Karl
Next one up. It's the next one up. It... as far as... th- the monkey's not sat that going, "Oh, I'm a bit under pressure here; it's a rocket". All that's knowing is: I'm getting a banana if I hit that button. That's all the monkey's thinking about.
Ricky
*Laughs* They wouldn't put...
Karl
Well, whatever.
Ricky
... billions of space dollars...
Stephen
But how can they be sure that it's gonna press the button at the right moment?
Karl
Because it's got headphones on.
Ricky
*Explodes into laughter*
Karl
They're telling it, it's not like...
Ricky
Like you have now.
Karl
It's not like willy-nilly. It's not just like pop it in there, see...
Ricky
Willy Nilly? Who was that?
Stephen
But what's to stop it just hitting it any old time, 'cos it's a monkey and it's not a human?
Karl
Because it's... because it's trained now. Anyway, so listen...
Ricky
Oh it's trained. It's fully trained. Yeah go on.
Karl
So what happened is, anyway...
Ricky
Ah, this is absolute rubbish.
Karl
They popped the monkey in there.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
It's got its headphones on. They're going, "Right, hit the green one", and er... I think there's something there that a little banana comes out to keep the same...
Stephen
*Laughs*
Ricky
No, you're making this up.
Karl
I'm not, it's the same...
Ricky
There's no way that they made a... a... a...
Karl
Right, so...they can... hmmm...
Ricky
...spacecraft that had a banana dispenser.
Karl
Right so...
Ricky
There's no way in this world that they made a spacecraft that could go into outer space, right, manned by a monkey, with a banana dispenser.
Karl
So you're saying that it's easy to send something up to space, but you don't believe there's a little banana machine
Ricky
*Cackle*
Stephen
Right OK...
Karl
Say...
Stephen
... so in your world... in your world there's a monkey and it's been conditioned...
Karl
And so...
Stephen
...and there's a little monkey dispenser...it...
Karl
Banana.
Stephen
Er, sorry, monkey dispenser? Er, a banana dispenser, yeah.
Karl
Yeah, banana dispenser, right. So it comes to the launch day, monkey's... monkey's sat in there. Er... everyone's ready, banana's are stocked up and the rest of it. They go, "Right, hit the green button." *Rocket noise* Right and the rocket goes up and what have you.
Ricky
No, they would not make the monkey launch the rocket! Karl...
Karl
So...
Ricky
...you are... you are living in a... a cartoon world!
Karl
So... so the rocket goes off, right?
Ricky
*Laughing* This is absolute bollocks!
Karl
It's all going well.
Ricky
You are stu-... I mean I don't know where you get it fr-...
Karl
It's all...
Ricky
It's not going well!
Karl
It's going well.
Ricky
There's no way a monkey launched a rocket.
Karl
It's going...
Ricky
There is no way a monkey launched a rocket, you idiot!
Karl
So it's all going on. So they're going, "Hit the left button" and it's... and it goes to the left. Right so...
Ricky
The left button! Oh, well known spacecraft command. "This is Houston. Hit the left button." Oh brilliant, this is what happened in Apollo 13 – "Hit the left button".
Stephen
So it g-...
Ricky
Ah, you are...
Stephen
It goes left, yeah. It goes left.
Karl
So it goes left and it's... it's going away.
Ricky
LEFT! IT GOES LEFT!
Stephen
Yeah.
Ricky
"No, the moon! You're going right!"
Karl
So it goes...it goes... it goes for the moon and everything. Everything's going well.
Ricky
Right.
Karl
They get up there. It does whatever it does. It reverse... it comes back...
Ricky
*Laughs* It REVERSE!
Karl
Right, so then...
Ricky
You are.... honestly... you are brain-dead...
Karl
So it's like...
Ricky
You are one of the most stupid people... that I would rather have the monkey drive me home than you.
Karl
Hmmm. Right listen. So the thing is, so it lands back...
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
It does a good job and everything. It gets out, erm, and this is... this is...
Stephen
It's sick of bananas.
Karl
This is where... this is where it turns a bit sad because, after it's done that mission...
Ricky
*Acknowledging noise*
Karl
...right? Because it happened and it was all safe and everything, the next one would have been to send man.
Ricky
Right.
Karl
So the monkey enjoyed it and it was like, "Well, I want to do it again", right? But they were like...
Ricky
Sorry, how did they know it... how did they know he wanted to...
Karl
Just the way it looked and what have you.
Ricky
*Mad cackle* F*CK OFF! "Just the way it looked!"
Karl
So...
Ricky
You... you are a maniac.
Karl
So the thing is though, right? After it had done that, it was on such a high, right?
Ricky
*Smirk* Yeah
Karl
It could never get that high again.
Ricky
Turned to drugs?
Karl
There was nothing... there was nothing that it could do.
Ricky
Went on tour, did it?
Karl
It did... it... it sort of ended up killing itself.
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
Because it could never... never get that buzz that it got...
Ricky
Right, that was absolute bollocks. None of that is true...
Stephen
*Laughs*
Ricky
... except they sent a monkey into space. And I'll... and I'll um... I'll check that out...
Karl
Hmmm.
Ricky
Absolute drivel.
Stephen
So it... in your mind it committed suicide. It had... it went on a crazy bender; drink and drugs and women... and then...
Karl
Like it does... it does happen. You hear about it. You hear about it.
Stephen
And then it was found in a motel room.
Ricky
*Quietly cackles*
Karl
Right, do you know how like you don't believe in like... scary stuff, just like, you know, ghosts...
Ricky
No, I believe in scary stuff. I don't believe in things that are totally illogical.
Karl
No, ghosts and that.
Ricky
Yeah, ghosts.
Karl
Vampires?
Ricky
No. Anything made up by man. Anything...
Karl
Well there was something... there was something in the paper the other day about a vampire; how they found one. They dug summat up...
Ricky
It was in the paper?
Karl
And erm...
Ricky
Oh it's true then.
Stephen
It's definitely true.
Ricky
It's definitely true then.
Karl
But we'll leave that... but we'll leave that cos you're just gonna do that, so it doesn't matter.
Ricky
No, come on, just go on.. Come on.
Stephen
No, go on, quickly, tell us about what you've found.
Karl
It's just that they found... they found a body in a coffin...
Ricky
Yeah, that's weird.
Karl
... with er... a bit of wood through its heart and a knife in its mouth.
Ricky
Smirks.
Karl
But if you don't believe it, then what's the point?
Ricky
Well it was a vampire pirate. It was a vampire pirate.
Stephen
Well that's... but that's definitely proof of a vampire then, and not some grotesque murder.
Ricky
Yeah.
Stephen
That's definitely proof of a vampire.
Ricky
If it was found. If it was f-... if it wasn't... 1) if it wasn't made up.
Karl
Right, hang on a minute. Hang on a minute.
Ricky
2) if it was actually...
Stephen
As far as I'm aware, er Rick, when you've the thing through their heart, they just turn into dust. *something*
Ricky
A- and also all their... all their victims get... get their own life back.
Stephen
Yeah, exactly.
Ricky
Yeah, that's... that's the t...
Karl
Right, and here was the second bit...
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
...Somebody'd dug it up, got the heart, blended it, burnt it, pop it... popped it in some water...
Stephen
Hmmm.
Karl
...drank it and they're in prison now. Now if it wasn't dodgy stuff, why are they in prison?
Ricky
Probably because they're mental. Because they dug up a body, liquidised its heart, burnt it and drank it.
Stephen
That's why they're in prison.
Ricky
That's why they're in prison. *Cackles*
Karl
Alright.
Stephen
There's your answer.
Karl
Alright. But anyway that's isn't what I'm talking about, right?
Ricky
<Karl
But I met... I met er, Derek Akorah the other week.
Ricky
Oh yeah
Karl
Right?
Stephen
And who's he? Which one's he?
Karl
He's er...
Stephen
Is he... is he a medium? He can contact the dead, is that right?
Karl
He just chats to 'em and that.
Stephen
Sure.
Karl
Passes messages on.
Stephen
Nice of him.
Karl
So I said, "Oh, tell us summat a bit weird and that". So he said, "What do you want to know?" I said, "Just... just summat weird." So he goes, "Alright then." He said, "Here's one for ya'." Right. And he said, "There's this pub out in the country." And er, he said, "There's this mug" – do you know those old mugs that they have? Where they used to... they used to like leave their own cup knocking about.
Stephen
Like a tankard?
Ricky
Oh yeah yeah, yeah.
Karl
Tankard thing.
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
So er, so there was... there was one of them mugs in there, right. And everybody who...
Stephen
Tankard, let's use tankard. If we've established that's what it is.
Karl
Alright, t-... tankard, yeah.
Ricky
Cos you're the only mug in this story. *Laughs*
Karl
Right, so...
Ricky
Believing it all. *Laughs*
Stephen
High five. Great.
Karl
So this tankard's knocking about, right? And everyone who's running the pub keeps going, "Ah, I wish they'd stop leaving this tankard about." Right?
Ricky
Hmmm.
Stephen
*Laughs* It must be a pain...
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
... having a tiny, small tankard in a pub. That must be a real grind.
Karl
So... so every t-... they sort of picked it up and went, "We'll have to wash that" and they popped it on a different sideboard. Next thing you know, that person who touched it, died.
Stephen
Sure.
Karl
So...
Ricky
*Laughs* They must have been getting through bar staff!
Karl
So they got... so they kept getting in new staff and that, and were like, "What's the connection here?"
Stephen
*Laughs*
Ricky
*Chuckles*
Stephen
"What's the connection here?"
Ricky
Oh God.
Karl
So anyway, so they...
Ricky
"Call Australia, we've run out."
Karl
So they... so they... they sort of... someone notices and they go, "You know, it's a bit weird; it's that cup", right? So they get...
Stephen
Tankard.
Karl
... they... they... "It's that... it's that tankard" and that. So erm, they get a vicar in...
Stephen
Course they do.
Karl
... and they go, "Look, erm... there's a lot of weird stuff going on here. This... this... this tankard; every time someone touches it, they die." So he said, "Leave it with me." He gets his erm... special water out and what have you. He comes round, does a little prayer, sprinkles it. He goes, "Right, not a problem. Don't worry about it." He picks it up, chucks it in the bin. Guess what?
Ricky
<Karl
Dies in a crash on the way home. Cos he'd picked it up.
Ricky
Well, but... but... but Karl, you're telling me this like it's fact, and I'm meant to go, "That's amazing."
Karl
Derek Acorah. He told me.
Ricky
*Laughs* Karl, I have... I have... I have... I have no opinion of that story, other than I'm pretty sure there was absolutely no connection between touching the tankard and him dying. That's all I'm sure of.
Karl
It's not just him though, is it? It's...
Ricky
I... I... I... I... I...you know I'm not gonna even... um...er... contest the chain of events. All I'm saying is, there is no connection. There is no connection possible because I believe in logic and the laws of the universe. So, y- y- y-... when y-... when you're telling me, um, miracles and strange things, outside coincidence you might as well be telling me about the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny, because they're equal to me. It's ludicrous. It's absolutely ludicrous.
Karl
So what... what would it take though for you to go, "Oh, I'm... I'm actually a believer now"?
Ricky
But... but it... what you're saying is... I can't answer that question cos er, I'd have to base, um, my beliefs on some of your premises, which I can't do. It's like... it's like you saying, "But what if you found out that two and two equalled five?" I can't. It's a necessary truth that it doesn't. I'd have to... I'd have to go back and fundamentally er... disagree with what I think two-ism is, two-ness and five-ness. I-...
Karl
And you've... you've never been in a situation though, where you've gone, "This room feels a bit weird" or summat?
Stephen
*Laughs*
Karl
Do you know what I mean? There could be something knocking about, or...
Ricky
But that... but that's... that's... that's a different question. I... I... I could go into a really rough looking pub and think, "*inhale* This... this isn't good." Because it's... it's... it's based on induction then...
Karl
No well like... er... I mean... I mean like... you know, if you've been to Cornwall on holiday and stayed somewhere and you've gone, "You know what? I'm sure something's died in here."
Ricky
I'm sure something's died everywhere.
Karl
Yeah, but...what I mean i-... you never pick up a vibe of... like I... I... I've got a mate, right, who er... he's living in this big stately home, right? And what it is...
Ricky
Why's he living there?
Karl
He's... he's... he's... he's paying hundred pounds a month, right? And it's almost like he's being security man.
Ricky
Oh right.
Karl
But he's not. He's not... he doesn't sit at the door with a hat on and everything. He just goes about his life but he bases most of his work in this stately home.
Ricky
So what is it? Like er... a... er... like a bed-...
Stephen
Like a housekeeper? Like he's sort of house-sitting?
Karl
A little bit, yeah. I mean it's mass...it's... it's... it's bigger than Buckingham Palace, this place, right?
Ricky
So what is it? A billionaire that's gone away or something?
Karl
I ... think it's some sort of, er... I think he said something about a... a viscount or summat.
Ricky
Right.
Stephen
Right.
Karl
He said it's... he owns this place. He's living in America. This place he owns but it's falling to bits...
Ricky
Wow.
Karl
... and he's worried that people are gonna go in there and squat, and what have you. So he's said to me mate... you know. There was an ad-... a advert in the paper... he doesn't know him... advert in the paper saying, "Do you want to live in a house? Hundred quid" or whatever. And, er, he d- he went and had a look, right? And he's living in there now. He pays about a hundred pound a month. There's about eighty rooms.
Ricky
Gee...
Karl
And er... it's this big stately house and what have you. And I went... I went down there... he said, "Oh, come down and have a look." Right? And from outside you go, "Oh this is brilliant", it's like something out of, you know like, The Manor Born or summat. You go, "This is... this is impressive." But then when you get in, it's like... it's a wreck, right?
Ricky
Er, it's just fallen apart because they can't afford...?
Karl
Well it's just been left. No one's... no one's doing any vaccing up or anything. There's like rat poison everywhere, erm... like windows are smashed, doors kicked in.
Ricky
That's a real shame.
Stephen
Hmmm.
Ricky
Why? Is it... is... is...
Stephen
I don't think he's doing his job, is he?
Ricky
Is it cos it... cos it would cost like millions to do up or something?
Karl
Well apparently it would be like... I think they're going to have it done up, but it... it's gonna cost like eighty million, right? So anyway... so...I'm...
Ricky
That's a big house.
Stephen
That's a big house.
Karl
So... we get... we go to the pub and what have you. I've got like a little torch, and erm, we-... we're wandering around looking in all these different rooms, right? And I'm asking him what's... what... why's... how's it got in this state? Do you know what I mean? If someone's had it, wh- why... why have they let it get in this state? And he was saying how, you know, it was like er a mental home...
Ricky
Right.
Stephen
Right.
Karl
... at one point. And erm, it was like a drug thing as well – people who'd had problems with drugs. They popped them out there, because it was in the middle of nowhere. Do you know what I mean? If you nee... if you needed drugs or anything, forget it, it's not gonna happen.
Stephen
*Quiet laugh*
Karl
Do you know what I mean? So... so that's, straight away, do you know like... have you ever been in er a hospital when it's been shut down, or a school when there's no kids in it, and there's that sort of bad atmosphere of like weirdness?
Ricky
Yeah.
Karl
Right, so...
Stephen
For the sake of argument, yeah.
Ricky
*Laughs* Yeah.
Karl
So... so we're wandering about, and I say, "Oh here we are, what's in this room?" right, and... and we go in, and all the floor's like a wreck and rotten and stuff, and I looked at the wall and there was like a little piece of paper stuck on the wall.
Stephen
Oh.
Karl
Right? And I said, "What's this here?" So I wandered over, right, got right up close to it and somebody had wroted... er...
Ricky
*Bursts into cackles*
Stephen
Somebody had wroted?
Karl
No. Some...
Stephen
Somebody had wroted...?
Ricky
Right, I love this... he can d-...
Karl
Someone...
Ricky
Imagine him on Jackanory, going about going... right, go on yeah, go on, sorry, so...
Karl
So... so there's a little sign there, right, and I go up to it and it says, "Flies", right, with an arrow, "Flies" like "Flies this way", right?
Ricky
Yep.
Karl
And I think that's... that's a bit weird. So I follow the arrow, right?
Ricky
*Chuckles*
Karl
...which goes to this corner where there's a shelf. About three thousand dead flies on it.
Ricky
Oh my God.
Karl
Condom stuck on the top.
Ricky
*Bursts into cackles* Right...
Karl
That's... that's weird, innit?
Ricky
<Karl
That's is weird, right?
Ricky
That is weird.
Karl
So I'm looking at that and there's... there's loads of stuff on the floor and that; bits of paper. Picked up this bit of paper, right? And it had, er... like in biro and that – it looked really old like it'd been there years – and it had, er... er... something like, need nappies, dummy, right, er... blankets. All of this, like all stuff for... like... As I turned it over, and it said, "None of this now needed. Baby dead."
Ricky
*Laughs* Christ
Stephen
Right.
Karl
Now that's weird, innit? Now that's what I'm talking about when you get a bad vibe you go, "That's... that's... who's been in here?"
Ricky
*Continues to laugh* Oh God.
Stephen
So and... what...I d-... I don't actually understand what point you're trying to make, Karl.
Karl
Just because it's... i-... i-... who's written that? Who's been in that room? Who's been in that state?
Ricky
*Laughs again*
Karl
And then straight away your mind starts going, "Oh, I'm getting bad vibes in here."
Stephen
But Karl, didn't you just tell us that it was once occupied by drug addicts and "mentals", to use your word.
Karl
Yeah, yeah.
Stephen
So don't... haven't you put two and two together and thought that's probably who wrote it? That doesn't mean it's paranormal or ghostly. You walk into a building. It's a big terrifying empty house. It's terrifying inasmuch as it's cold and dark and draughty, and a little bit spooky in the sort of illustrative sense.
Ricky
And insecure, because...
Stephen
Yeah, you're a big nervous cos... and you know it's got this sort of... it's got... its bad vibe is just based on the fact that...
Ricky
Your mate's in charge.
Stephen
*Laughs* Yeah, that's terrifying.
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
I mean, yes, so it's like saying, "Are we scared of the dark?" Yes, it's... I understand why people are scared of the dark. I'm a little bit scared of the dark. You're walking along, you k-...
Ricky
'Cos you don't know what's in it.
Stephen
Yeah, you don't know what's in the darkness. That's why people get nervous. It doesn't mean you have to make the leap then that you've got some paranormal sense: "Oh my God, I'm Karl Pilkington, and hang on; just like Derek Acorah I have sensed something strange and evil in this room. Wait a minute, there's some flies and a condom."
Ricky
*Laughs*
Stephen
"I was right all along."
Ricky
*Laughing* That is weird.
Stephen
"Flies and a Johnny equals badness."
Ricky
The... the... the flies and the condom was weird enough.
Stephen
It's weird but I don't know that it's...
Ricky
But... but... but the note! The note! *Laughing* I just think of his face when he saw that. Reading it by torchlight. He must have been terrified! *Cackles*
Karl
It's a bit... it's a bit odd, innit?
Stephen
Thank you very much indeed for listening. If you'd like to get in touch with us; either myself or Ricky, or if you've got something to send to Karl, then you can email us at podcast@rickygervais.com.
Ricky
I'd just like to er... say thank you to both The Guardian and Positive Internet for hosting this er... podcast. Both great. The guys at Positive Internet know exactly what they're doing. They're my kind of people, as is The Guardian.
Stephen
Can I just... sorry, just what... you weren't contractually obliged to say that, were you? It just sounded...
Ricky
No, no. It's what I think. Just what I think.
Stephen
Right, it's just I've not heard you mention either of them before in that way. It just sounded a little bit...
Ricky
Oh, you're joking. I... I both love The Guardian and Positive Internet. Great guys.
Stephen
OK, that's just the way you feel, it's not...?
Ricky
Yep.
